Pansy

I was standing at a bar ordering a lemon, lime and bitters. The woman behind the bar was dressed in a particular way. A man standing next me suddenly muttered "she sure is a lesbian" or something to that effect. I was rather taken by surprise. I cannot say whether my face looked like a smirk or a grimace but whatever it was I then looked away. I must have had some effect because he then asked "was that rude mate?" My answer was "well it would have been if you had said it to her" and he seemed satisfied with that. We got our drinks and went our separate ways.

But I am anything but satisfied with the exchange. With the fact that something like that can happen. With the fact that I was too much the wimp to say that it was offensive in general. What if I had been more quick-witted? What would I say? "There should be more of it"... "they can serve drinks as well as anyone"... "you sure are of Indian background" (maybe scratch that last one).

I erred on the side of caution and just as well - one must be careful with strangers in bars. But it irks me to come across these attitudes. The woman staffing the bar chose to look a particular way that is associated in our society with queer identity. Is she then inviting or giving license for the passing of comments on how she is different from her customers? Am I politically correct or was that stranger just bloody offensive?

I fared better a while back with a case of racism. Admittedly I had a friend with me and we felt safe to discuss with a man his comment that it was "spot the Aussie" on our train carriage. I told him I was accustomed to ethnic diversity because of the school I went to and that seemed to placate him somewhat. We made the conversation into one of comparing notes on our backgrounds and life experiences. Pretty soon it became apparent that he had suffered both poverty and substance abuse. This was a case of the marginalized denigrating the marginalized. After he left a young woman of recent African descent thanked us for expressing our opinion - something she would have been too scared to do herself.

That is the quandary. Often the things that matter - the issues for which a opinion needs expressing - are also things that may risk provoking adverse responses. Does one take a stand or does one play it safe? Prejudice needs to be challenged but that involves exiting ones comfort zone. Can I become less of a pansy? I reckon taking a stand in a calm and collected manner that allows for the possibility of changing minds is one way to do that.