Lazy Luddite Log

5.5.10

My Milkshake Moment

Particular memories have been presenting themselves to my consciousness like bubbles emerging on the surface of a pond. They have been of a specific kind lately. They are all experiences I enjoy and conform to the same basic description.

I am on my way to something fun - like a party with lots of friends - but am yet to get there. I am taking public transport and have possibly come to a juncture in which I must change from one route to another. I have given myself plenty of time, however, so I take a rest on the way. I am alone but in a busy public space such as Swanston Street. I have stopped in a cafe and am having a milkshake. I sip at my drink while watching the world go by and idly ponder what the evening may hold.

This is definitely on my list of some of the truly contended moments in my life and, fortunately, it is one I have had many times, and I expect that will continue. But I wonder what it is that makes this mundane recollection at all noteworthy. Its status as something at the borderline of conditions may be what makes it attractive.

For one thing I do enjoy commuting. I get colour and movement and sometimes even some cool observations. But in this case there is more happening.

My milkshake moment sits at the cusp of the public and private. In many ways I feel I am only truly me while I am alone. And yet I feel most human if I am among humans. In this case I get both. I am "alone in a crowd" but in a good way. I feel confident in my anonymity and enjoy the freedom of movement represented by this scenario.

My milkshake moment also sits at the cusp of the present and the future. I am enjoying the moment but part of that moment is anticipation of the night to come. I spend a lot of my 'internal life' living a very short way into the future. The party I imagine is some kind of amalgam of past experiences blended together and representing the better aspects of what a party should be. In such a scenario I will never be "alone in a crowd".

Things are never exactly as we imagine them but that is okay - sometimes they are worse but sometimes they are better. But a bit of certainty in life is nice and my milkshake moment gives me just that.

And Another Thing

This is all bullshit. I am clutching at straws - living on nice notions as a form of escapism. So here is more of the same vague long-winded stuff I always post to help preserve the facade of a happy and fulfilled person. The doldrums are never far now and the smallest thing can push me into them.

Like just now I wanted to insert an image into this post on my blog just for the heck of it. But somehow the coding that has worked in the same way in other posts behaves differently this time. There is some explanation but I cannot see it. And so this just reminds me of all the things I cannot do well.

And now I think I should just delete this addendum because it has nothing to do with this post. Besides which my problems pale in comparison to those of many others and will just get lost in the crowd. This belongs in a journal that nobody ever sees. So do I press "publish" now?

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4 Comments:

  • ... I feel like I just heard your voice unfiltered for the first time that I can remember. Not considered balanced scripted blog, but just a "f*ck it" moment.
    I'm not always brave enough to hit publish myself at times like that. I'm glad you did.
    It's easy to forget and always good to be reminded that we're all allowed to feel this way sometimes.
    *hugs*
    - Melinda (because you were wondering who Wafflehouse was :) )

    By Blogger WaffleGirl, At 05 May, 2010  

  • I hear you!
    And you are allowed to feel how you feel, no matter what suffering there might be in the world.

    By Blogger Lynne S of Oz, At 06 May, 2010  

  • Mel

    Thanks. I figured it was you last time but I have been slack in looking at blogs lately so forgot.

    I have slowly been getting more frank in my postings. I think that this is very personal but I suppose it also looks a bit like a press release from a public figure that has done something embarrassing.

    So I suppose this is the starkest instance of my frankness. And I now am happy I did too. I am feeling a bit better. I do want others to be aware that I am somewhat troubled right now. Thanks for your supporting that.

    Lynne

    I know. It is silly to hide ones problems just because others have bigger ones. Mind you I do think it is appropriate to moderate how much fuss I make if something is objectively smaller than the issues another faces.

    By Blogger Daniel, At 06 May, 2010  


  • I'm copying and pasting comments to this same post from LiveJournal (complete with messy formatting text). See below...

    (no subject) - mawaridi

    From: originaluddite
    Date: May 6th, 2010 01:43 pm (local)
    Select: Edit Delete Screen Freeze Track This
    (Link)
    Poetic? Is it the bubbly pond that makes you say that?

    Thanks for this. Thanks for addressing the original part of my post rather than just the angsty addendum. I was concerned on sending it that I would simply get the instictive rush from friends to say "everything is okay" and such like. The sentiment is appreciated but - as you say - sometimes asterisked "hugs" feel awkward.

    I do want more hugs in person but I also feel that talk warrants talk.

    I think that only-children do tend to have solitary inclinations. I was an only-child till the age of five and I think even that has shaped me (as distict from the more usual gap of a few years between siblings). I do enjoy it but - as you say - there is something wistful in it. In the past I found a hint of melancholy to be strangely comforting. Now my expectations of life have changed and I find it galling.

    Liminal I had to look up but it is appropriate and less wanky than the word that I think of - transcendent. Mind you my concept of 'cusps' was nicked from mysticism - those notions that say there is something magical about border conditions like 'dawn and dusk' or 'an ocean beach'.

    A friend (at my cross-posting of this at Blogger) says that this is the only time she has seen me write honesty. I think it is the starkest case of it but that over time I have been peppering my writing with more frank admissions. And that has happened in part because of seeing friends on LJ do exactly that - I feel I can do it because others do it. I can thank you for that too.

    I am feeling better now. I usually feel better in the day than at night. Also I think the venting may have been the right thing for me. If it allows others to know that I am working through stuff then that is good too.
    (Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

    By Blogger Daniel, At 09 May, 2017  

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